Bipolar disorder with mania

Bipolar disorder is one type of mental illness. I’m not going to pretend that I’m an expert about everyone with Bipolar disorder because I’m not. All I know is how my mental illness relates to myself. I want to read the DSM-5 so I can become more than a little average person’s understanding. To my knowlege the internet has a horrible knowledge of mental illness in general, and I stopped looking for the truth there years ago. In my experience people with a bipolar are different. Just like people without bipolar are different.

Cigarettes & Bipolar

Yea Yeah McDevitt.Melissa is still smoking February 22, 2020

I love cigarettes. I can’t stress it enough how I love them. I feel frustrated that I cannot seem to shake this dirty habit. I believe that I’m all messed up today. I don’t know why? I feel I have had emotionally abused as a small child. Perhaps I’m frustrated and was frustrated by my mind.

What I’m about to write is not easy for me to tell, and write out. I feel I need to get this down, hopefully, get some feedback from someone. This entry is what I’m thinking and feeling since I was 16. I haven’t changed much since age sixteen mentally; however, emotionally, I feel very mature.

I lost track of how long It’s been since I haven’t blogged. I love blogging. I was going through a slightly manic episode with my bipolar disorder.

Did you know that I kept some crazy sounding journal entries that I had for years? I’m thirty-six now. They were interesting. I love the fact that I have upwards of sixty journals. I’ve had those sixty dairies while moving around eleven moves in the course of my life. Part of me liked to move to other houses or apartments, except I was always afraid that I would lose them the journals.

Writing has always been a great deal in my life. Being a writer was and is the only way that I felt I could express myself, and I still believe in that. I have always thought that I couldn’t be honest with anyone other than my therapist. Or any doctor for that matter. The reason is confidentiality, the therapist or doctor cannot tell anyone what I’m saying. Privacy is essential to me. The only reason there’s no confidentiality is when I voice my massive set plan to kill myself or anyone else.

Back to the cigarettes, they’ve got to go. It’s a disgusting, filthy habit, and it needs to change. I need a change. Writing in this blog every day makes me realize how badly I need to quit smoking. The only way I believe I can stop is going to visit my family in the south and be away from my environment here, and then I won’t be feeling that I need a cigarette so badly. Today I smoked one cigarette, but I also smoked a black and mild cigar.

As the day went on, a fellow commuter, while waiting on the train platform, gave me two cigarettes. I felt this was wrong, but it seemed ok for the moment.

I am currently writing to inform you about my mental illness and say life is what you make of it. I’ve learned to walk around without much money, and I’ve learned to manage the funds. I learned to make new friends despite my situation of having so little of everything.

See, I live in the mental health system. The mental health system is complicated to explain. It’s not time to go on and on about it. I will tell you all about it in the posts to come. Feeling like I’m coming out of my fear of people knowing I’m mentally ill. I have bipolar disorder, and I’m not scared to tell anyone anymore. I’m not ashamed and cagy about my condition. It is part of me, just like someone who has any disability—almost feeling like coming out of the closet this year in 2020. So far, this has been the best year of my life. The best moment right now, also.

A New and Honest Me Hopefully Soon Smoke-Free New Year Resolutions & My Own Mental Health

Me at the Gym looking tired.

Does anyone have the resolution to quit a dirty habit, and there are limited resources out there to help? I feel that is the case with my cigarette addiction. Could someone please leave information about hypnotism or a quit smoking group in New York? I’m going to leave my email at the bottom of this page.

This year my new year, I made three resolutions. One is to be one hundred percent honest to everyone, basically at all times. The other is to quit smoking. The last is to write on my blog and to get into phenomenal shape. Quitting smoking is the number one resolution I have. I feel It’s starting to impact my breathing enough for me to care about myself and my addiction.

I just wanted to say something because it’s a significant part of myself. A portion of myself that I cannot dismiss or let go because it’s with me all the time. I have to say that, for the most part, people are more disturbed by me when I am symptomatic. I struggle with bipolar disorder, and it is severe when I don’t take my medications. I have incredibly lousy mood swings when I’m not medicated. It seems silly, but I usually take one shower a day when I take my medication, but when I’m manic, I take three or more showers a day.

Manic is the state of mania. Manic can consists of a lot of different things. It’s slightly different for everyone. For me being manic, I will be all over the place late at night, walking around in the streets. I have hit one of my close friends, I have yelled at my mom. I shoplifted from a sporting goods store, but the clothes I shoplifted under my regular clothes.

They say when someone goes on an episode, they don’t remember what happened during that episode. An episode is a period where a patient is off their medication or medications, or the patient is on the wrong drugs causing them to be symptomatic. Symptomatic is when a patient is experiencing symptoms of their mental illness, and It relates to all mental illnesses, not just bipolar. A person experiencing symptoms of their mental illness could be a person with Bipolar, Schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, major depressive disorder, OCD, Borderline personality disorder, and that’s all the disorders I know that interested me. I have read the DSM-5, but I only read the parts that interested me.

Some people had asked me why I went off of my medications when I knew I would end up in the mental hospital. I said something like, yea, I knew I was going to the mental hospital, but It’s more fun to be off of my medications. I love meeting all my new friends in the hospital as well. Most of them I never talked to again. But after the last time in the psychiatric unit, also known as a mental hospital, I made a firm decision in my head that I will take all my medications as prescribed, forever if I have to.

I would much rather be sane and have a company than be manic and have nobody because when I am manic, I lose some of my friends and respect from my family.

I have a lot more to blog about in terms of my mental illness and the survival. I’m thrilled to be doing well and that my friends forgave me. I love my life even though I will have to be medicated for life. I don’t mind taking the psychiatric medications, whatever it takes for me and my friends and family to tolerate me and for me to tolerate them.

New Words 2020

Love you,
Bye

A Cigarette Addiction Day Four Through Eight.

Day four when I made a decision to rip up a cigarette that I found.

On day four, I was talking to a friendly male I was talking to dropped this cigarette on the ground. The man offered me a cigarette. I told him that I quit smoking cigarettes. I took that cigarette off the floor when nobody was looking I took the cigarette I picked up and smashed it on the ground. I was thrilled to have destroyed that cigarette. It made me feel empowered. I looked forward to the sleep study that night, on a Sunday.
I got diagnosed with sleep apnea, a little while back around one month ago.

On day five something horrible happened. I was unable to control my addiction when a friend of mine is a smoker was smoking in front of me. I made the wrong decision to smoke again. It felt good for a time being, and then I felt horribly guilty. I need more alternatives to smoking, like getting a chew stick. Getting help from alternative sources could possibly help quite a bit with this smoking addiction that I have.

On day six I went to buy lose cigarettes. I bought two for a dollar, as the going rate. It’s also an option to buy a pack of cigarettes for $8.50 at that location.

On Day seven, I went to I bought two more lose cigarettes. I’m shaming myself causing me more anxiety as I pick them up and after I smoke them.

On Day eight as in today, I kept smoking my usual five to ten a day.

A Cigarette Addiction Day three

By Melissa McDevitt

Having my last cigarette and tea in the morning.

Enjoying my last cigarette becaue it was the only thing left to do!

This is my last day of smoking cigarettes. I only smoked one today at 3:00 pm. I’m not going to buy anymore. It’s sad, like losing a best friend. A best friend that wants the worst for me like getting cancer and possibly dying. Instead of smoking, I will write with my old and new best friend that is writing.

I’ve been writing since kindergarden. I got into creative writing since I was in the fifth grade. I enjoyed expressing myself in that creative way. I know as someone that likes to write, it makes me feel better about myself, and its a form of art for me. I’m sure most of you feel similar, or the same, this is some of you may be here or are here on WordPress.

I’ve got to keep a goal of staying healthy and enjoying my life without my horrible addiction. Anything unnatural is disgusting to me. I don’t like disgusting. I’m sure some people do! They are in the minority I should hope.

The last time I quit smoking cigarettes, I turned myself off from them by simply saying to myself, “I don’t like cigarettes, I never will like them again, and never wanted them in the begging. If you read my first blog post, I wrote that I quit smoking for one year. During that year, I had the most savings I ever had in my entire life. In New York, where I live, the cigarettes cost me between eight and nine-fifty a pack.

Anyway, anyhow, I look forward to life being nicotine-free. I know I can do it now. I’m glad I outed myself publicly on WordPress. The it helped, and so did my writing about it. Probably the blog more.

I hope all you cigarette smokers find a healthy alternative to smoking. I’d like to hear all your comments about your cigarette addiction, that would be great.

A Cigarette Addiction Day two

By Melissa McDevitt

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving & Black Friday!

This is day two of me attempting to quit smoking cigarettes. Today I didn’t get many cravings. So far today, I’ve had three cigarettes. I’m praying that soon I won’t need to blog about me smoking cigarettes and trying to quit. Because I want to be blogging about the good things in my life, and not the cigarettes that overshadow all the good things in my life. The idea is with me if I want a smoke, I need a cigarette right at that moment or close to it. I don’t need a cigarette, of course, but the anxiety will make me feel horrible inside if I don’t get one.

The reason that I only smoked three cigarettes today was that my mother came up from the South with my stepdad, and I spend the day with them. We had a wonderful time seeing the Mr. Rodgers movie called “A beautiful day in the neighborhood,” of course. I’m no critic, but I believe that they should have called the film, “Mr. Rodgers.” It doesn’t matter what I think because the movie has already made 4.5 Million dollars as of the 21st of November according to Forbes online.

It was great seeing my mom is that she’s so far away from living in the South. I love my mom, and I know she loves me. I wish I could see them more. My sister is also down in the south. I love being in New York, and I don’t want to be anywhere else, but I want to live without my addiction.

Feel free to like or comment.

Or Email: MelMcDevitt@yahoo.com

A Cigarette Addiction

By Melissa McDevitt (My first day on WordPress)

I’m trying desperately to quit smoking cigarettes. Day one on realizing I need to quit. This blog will start with my journey with my addiction.

Day one

I am smoking a cigarette laughing at myself. The second time anyone has ever taken a photo of me smoking a cig. That I can remember.

I’ve been a casual smoke since age Eighteen. Since age twenty, I became a half a pack or more smoker. I am now thirty-six F**K**G years old, and I’m still a smoker. I was the type of smoker that smoked the kind of cigarette that was on sale or that I managed to grub. It was just the feeling of getting my nicotine fix and feeling excited and happy. I hate the idea that I smoke and all the damage that I’m doing to my body. BUT, I love the act of smoking; it makes me feel alive. The entire time I smoke a cigarette, I believe I have no problems at all that lasts for around ten minutes. Ten minutes and a minute after I smoke, I have severe regret and anxiety that I shouldn’t have picked up a cigarette again.

I quit for an entire year from the ages of twenty-nine until age thirty. I didn’t have much money at that point. However, I had saved up almost three thousand dollars. I went back to my addiction after I found out that a friend of mine went to the Indian Reservation regularly. He told me he would pick up the cigarettes for me at a discounted rate. I was not entirely thrilled about picking up my habit again, but I was curious.
Day one on trying to quit is not going so well so far I’ve smokes five cigarettes and its 3:14 in the afternoon. It could be worse. It definitely could be. I can’t say I didn’t enjoy the cigarette during smoking. However, I can’t believe I’m still subtly destroying myself.
Now, every day, there will be another photo of myself smoking as a reminder that I need to quit smoking cigs, as well as the financial reminder of all the money I will have saved up when I stop. This time around, I will have full documentation that I quit so that I may look back upon these times with pride and hope that I won’t pick up another cigarette.

Day one on trying to quit is not going so well so far I’ve smokes five cigarettes and its 3:14 in the afternoon. It could be worse. It definitely could be. I can’t say I didn’t enjoy the cigarette during smoking. However, I can’t believe I’m still subtly destroying myself.
Now, every day, there will be another photo of myself smoking as a reminder that I need to quit smoking cigs, as well as the financial reminder of all the money I will have saved up when I stop. This time around, I will have full documentation that I quit so that I may look back upon these times with pride and hope that I won’t pick up another cigarette.

Now, every day, there will be another photo of myself smoking as a reminder that I need to quit smoking cigs, as well as the financial reminder of all the money I will have saved up when I stop. This time around, I will have full documentation that I quit so that I may look back upon these times with pride and hope that I won’t pick up another cigarette.

It’s Melissa McDevitt here. I’m a new person at blogging so far, I hope you enjoy. I love it just as much like a journal or diary from the 90s, even the early 2000s and even today. Yes, I still use a journal, do you?

Feel free to leave comments about your journey quitting smoking cigarettes. Or anything else that comes to mind?